EggoWaffle
06-22-2008, 03:53 AM
The hired hand
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job.
One was *** and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it,
and when no one else applied she decided to hire the *** guy,
figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,
"You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room,
he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Mistaken Identity
Twin brothers were named Joe and John. Joe was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It happened that John's wife died the same day Joe's boat sank.
A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe on hte street, mistaking him for John. She said to him, "I'm sorry for your loss, you just feel terrible."
Joe said, "oh, hell no. Fact is I'm sort of gladto be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveld up and she smelled like dead fish. She was always losing her water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in front. The hole got bigger every time I used her. She leaked like crazy and it got hard to keep her upright. But what really finished her off was these four guys who rented her for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't any good, but they wanted to have a go with her anyway. The damn' fools all tried to get on her at the same time and it was just too much for the old girl. while they were trying to get into their various postions, she split right up the middle!"
A man has six children...
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"
His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job.
One was *** and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it,
and when no one else applied she decided to hire the *** guy,
figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,
"You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room,
he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Mistaken Identity
Twin brothers were named Joe and John. Joe was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It happened that John's wife died the same day Joe's boat sank.
A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe on hte street, mistaking him for John. She said to him, "I'm sorry for your loss, you just feel terrible."
Joe said, "oh, hell no. Fact is I'm sort of gladto be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveld up and she smelled like dead fish. She was always losing her water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in front. The hole got bigger every time I used her. She leaked like crazy and it got hard to keep her upright. But what really finished her off was these four guys who rented her for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't any good, but they wanted to have a go with her anyway. The damn' fools all tried to get on her at the same time and it was just too much for the old girl. while they were trying to get into their various postions, she split right up the middle!"
A man has six children...
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"
His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"