Make me Laugh

[Toast]

Straight up jokes, no pics. Just text.

I'll go first with the one the Joker tells the Batman at the end of "The Killing Joke".

See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum...

...and one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum anymore. They decide they're going to escape!

So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight...

Stretching away to freedom.

Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daredn't make the leap. Y'see...

Y'see, he's afraid of falling.

So then, the first guy has an idea. He says, "hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!"

But the second guy just hakes his head. He says, "what do you think I am? CRAZY?"

"You'd turn it off when I was halfway across!"

[Pochitos]

A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, Honey! How's about getting' me a cold glass of Miller Light?" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once more nodd ed, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of beer. "On my bill," he said.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled,

"Don't touch me ... I'm collecting disability."

[BANGdead]

Go look at yourself in the mirror. Lol jk.

Your mom's so goth when she couldn't talk people thought she was a mime.

[wut]

A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, Honey! How's about getting' me a cold glass of Miller Light?" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once more nodd ed, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of beer. "On my bill," he said.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled,

"Don't touch me ... I'm collecting disability."

Epic lulz were had.

[AlbertMond]

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, Honey! How's about getting' me a cold glass of Miller Light?"

Sounds like a redneck.

Buuuuut, here are some old Kurt Cobain ones.

What was Kurt Cobain quoted as saying in his last interview
before he blasted his brains out with a shotgun?
He said in his mind, Hole was going to be the next big thing.

What's the difference between Cobain and Elton John?
Elton took more shots in the mouth.

EDIT: Also, I see OP is an all-around big fan of the "Killing Joke" storyline.

[NuMbA]

on a couple's anniversary the man forgot to get his wife a gift,
she said "if i dont get something that goes from 0-200 in 1
second in the driveway tommorow, im leaving you." the next
day the man takes his wife outside and she see a small package.
when she opens it it was a scale

[Toast]

It's a brilliant story.

Scene kids.

[AlbertMond]

Scene kids.

LMFAOlolololololololol

[SkYScorn]

Ok, lemme think...

*Thinking...Thinking...Thinking...*


A rooster layed an egg on a roof slanting to the east, but the wind was blowing to the west. Which way did the egg roll?


ROOSTERS DON'T LAY EGGS, FOOOOO! :O. =I.

[Toast]

That's a riddle, not a joke.

What do you get when Obama, Hillary, and Biden all ride a donkey that falls off a cliff?

A safer nation. Yeah I just said that. And now I wait for Obama's secret state security force to take me away to a "reeducation" facility :p

[TheZombie]

Till will make anyone with a brain laught.

My friend, it's a girl, she skiped school this one day with my firend.
The school is like down the street from a store
During the last period of the day most/all of my class ws talking about it the Whole time
We have a sub the whole week and she snitched to the princ
The price called both of their parents
The girls aliby was this:
"We only went to the store together. When we were at the store my mom came to pick me up to go to the doctor. After that my mom droped me off back at school so I could take the bus home."

If you don't get it i'll underline it for you.

[wut]

Democrats .

[Toast]

It's still better as a riddle.

And your joke, idgi D:

[Quantooce]

Womens rights.

[AlbertMond]

A safer nation. Yeah I just said that. And now I wait for Obama's secret state security force to take me away to a "reeducation" facility :p

Wasn't that policy under Bush?

Women's rights.

Womens rights.

I was typing it first.

[Quantooce]

I posted it first.

Edit: A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

[Pochitos]

Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office. John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"

Two days later. George to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed!





LETTER TO JOHN MADDEN

To: John Madden
CC: Electronic Arts Sports
From: Ethan Albright
Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden ‘07

Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I’ll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is f*cking bullsh*t and you should kiss my mother-f*cking ***. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his *** on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80.

You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a f*cking 12. I rate you a f*cking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever… except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery *** a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-d*ck. Go do Al Michaels or something. Boom. Score one for Red Beard.

It’s also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly sh*t and **** myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. F*ck, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod “He Hate Me” Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ***. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of sh*t teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?

I guess I just can’t fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. F*ck, man, there are some sh*tty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.

I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don’t crash through a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 pounds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he’d look just like Jabba the Hut.


John, you are such a f*cking d*ck. I also noticed that my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a f*cking zero? So you feel that I shouldn’t even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn’t even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my f*cking face. F*ck that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a -4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns.

Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). F*ck me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let’s see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I’m at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.

I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my ***. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but I’m a f*cking lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a retarded, uncoordinated, p*ssy-*** f*ckwad that can’t fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each year, old man.

When I'm not snapping balls, I snap necks. F*ck you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you f*ck with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder.

Rot in Hell,

Ethan Albright

(The second one is about Madden '07, I know, but it's still damn funny to read)

[TehDarkKnife]

Knock Knock
Whos there
MJ
Micheal Jackson?
No Micheal Jordan u noob

Knock Knock
Whos there
Water
Water who?
What're you waiting for, open this damn door.

Knock Knock
Whos there
Ur mom
Ur mom who?
Luke i am ur mother.

[wut]

Why does Micheal Jackson like Wal*Mart?

Because little boy's pants are half off.

[Toast]

You have to say this one aloud.

What does Micheal Jackson like about twenty-six year olds?

There's twenty of them.

R.I.P.

[chinaboy]

Whats with the MJ jokes? oh well i got mine......

Whats the difference between acne and Michael Jackson?












Acne only comes on your face when your about 15

[SkillsDatKill]

yo mama so gassy dat when she farts global warming increases by 83.99%

i got so many more yo mamas... thats it for now

[zagert]

yo mama so stupid she gave birth to you and didn't get an abortion!!

double burn!

[wut]

Whats with the MJ jokes? oh well i got mine......

Whats the difference between acne and Michael Jackson?












Acne only comes on your face when your about 15

Ew....

lulz

[iceman155]

lol weird topic name. and then u post a story. dam u for making me read :O

[EmuBoy]

What the difference between Freezerburn's dead body and a dead baby?

I dont have Freezerbrun's body in my garage. OH wait I do....

[Toast]

Less fail, more funny >.>